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The Maintenance Man

Wherever you live, there may be a need for the maintenance man to visit and make sure everything in your house is working just right. But whether it be the cable guy, the plumber, the electrician - whomever - you must stand your ground! Be prepared at all times, and you will manage to stay alive.

If possible, when scouting for a home, find one that will never be visited by a maintenance person. This will ensure 100% privacy and safety in your household. If you must live in a home where service representatives are admitted, please read on.

To prepare for maintenance man visits gone wrong, study as many martial arts styles as necessary.

Before the maintenance man arrives, hide all the valuables in your home. This may be time-consuming and ridiculously unnecessary. But this process guarantees that the maintenance man won't walk out with a bowling trophy, family picture, Egyptian artifact, or even the remote control from your television set.

When a maintenance man arrives at your door, have the chain lock on your door intact. Open the door and ask him for his driver's license, Social Security card, birth certificate, employee ID/badge, and if necessary, more.

When he enters your home, don't panic. If he notices your teeth chattering or your limbs shaking, he will realize your fear. This makes you an easy target as his next possible murder victim.

Do not touch or make eye contact with the maintenance man. He could be carrying dangerous germs that can kill without warning. Politely decline a handshake if it's offered, and say "it's against your religion."

Turn off the radio and the television when the maintenance man arrives. These devices serve as potential distractions. This is not his home, and it needs not be treated so. Besides, he has other jobs for the day.

Before he begins working, inspect and approve every tool he will be using. Ask exactly what he is doing and how each tool is used. Sure, his tools may be weapons, but at least you know he won't be building a bomb.

Supervise the maintenance man's work at a distance farther than he can reach you. Do not make conversation with him unless it's strictly related to the work he is providing.

Have a camcorder handy to film the maintenance man's work. Document your recordings in detail and store them in a safe place. These will be useful in fraud cases when you take the maintenance man to court.

Document all maintenance man appointments. Keep the date, time, notes of the service, and most importantly, the maintenance man's name. The most efficient way to store this information is to buy a computer and the Microsoft Excel spreadsheet software.