↓
 
Home - Page 2 1 2

Monkey #joke

Safety Joke Posted on by

A man walks into a Essex pet shop looking to buy a monkey.

The shop owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly and safe natural mini-habitats.

“The one on the left costs £500,” says the shop owner.

“Why so much?” asks the customer.

“Because it has a NEBOSH certificate,” answers the shop owner.

The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, “That one costs £1500. “Because it has a Diploma 1&2,” answers the shop owner.

The startled man then asks about the third monkey.

“That one costs £3000,” answers the shop owner.

“3000 pounds!!” exclaims the man. “What can that one do?”

To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant.”

Hospital

Safety Joke Posted on by

In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday. So a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Photo by Daan Stevens on Unsplash

NASA Chicken

Safety Joke Posted on by

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British safety engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. 

Arrangements were made, but when the gun fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof windshield and smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the console control, snapped the engineer’s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified, the safety engineers sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions. NASA’s response was just one sentence:

“Defrost the chicken”

Photo by sydney Rae on Unsplash

Four Doctors

Safety Joke Posted on by

Four doctors who hadn’t seen each other since their surgical residencies met at a medical seminar. Adjourning for dinner and drinks, they turned their conversation to, who makes the best surgical patients:  

The first said, for sure, electrical engineers. “You open ‘em up,” he contended, “and everything is colour-coded.”  

“Nah,” said the second. “It’s librarians. You open them up and everything is in alphabetical order.”  

The third scoffed. “Of course not,” he said. “It’s accountants. You open them up and everything is numbered.”  

“Safety Managers,” said the fourth, with a shake of his head. “It’s Safety Managers, you idiots! No heart, no guts, no spine, and the ass and the brain are interchangeable.”

Photo by JC Gellidon on Unsplash

↑
error

Make someone laugh